April fools joke – Ed Cyzewski: Author // Contemplative

My New Book: Inspired to Influence

Posted on April 1, 2022March 30, 2022 by Ed Cyzewski

AVAILABLE NOW! Inspired to Influence: An influencer’s boot camp to find your purpose, capture joy, create a life that counts, find spiritual satisfaction, and revolutionize your life* to become authentically and uniquely you just like me

Rise and grind, y’all!!!

It’s time for a book that finally delivers real talk AND tells it like it is on spiritual, physical, and emotional health.

Who else is doing that for you? Nobody. Just me.

If you’re a Christian, you obviously want to make the biggest splash possible and really turn some heads… for God, that is. But, here’s the thing…

How will you win multitudes for God if you’re an underachieving, unambitious nobody with zero influence?

What sets the most effective, most purposeful, most fulfilled, happiest, and fittest Christians apart from the rest?

Influence.

If you want to make your mark for God, then you’re not going to move the needle as a nobody. It’s time to stop making excuses, to take control, to put on your big boy (or big girl) pants, and to hit the pavement with a complete overhaul of your meek and lowly life.

Inspired to Influence is your one stop guide to marketing yourself, living healthy, finding meaning, securing wealth, being joyful, and, most important of all, being holy in a way that turns heads and captures attention.

What good is your holiness doing anyone if you’re not capturing eyeballs?

How can your right hand influence your left hand if it’s not drawing attention to how awesome it is???

By leveraging all of the resources of the modern influencer movement, you can achieve more than you’d ever imagined possible… for God.

Listen up. Half efforts won’t cut it. THIS. WONT. BE. EASY. This is a gritty, down and dirty guide to a process that only yields results if you’re all in. If you don’t get results, then you weren’t all in.**

This simple approach that merges spiritual influence with worldly influence is so simple that anybody can do it (even a nobody), but only a few will find it.

ARE YOU ALL IN???

Then start using YOUR influence to multiply MY influence. Share these rocking memes on your social media channels and tag me (@edcyzewski) to let me know you’re ALL IN.

Stop settling for ordinary. Do you want to come in last?

That’s not what the King of Kings would want.

When you gain influence, you’ll find real power in your name. The sky’s the limit… for God that is.

Order Your Copy Today!

Want to Learn More?

Sorry! You can’t. This is my annual April Fool’s Day joke. Visit my page of past jokes here.

Visit my Amazon page for all of my real book listings, including some big $.99 sales running on all of my independent books on prayer for April Fools Day. That’s not a joke.

My latest books, Flee, Be Silent, Pray and Reconnect: Spiritual Restoration from Digital Distraction won’t teach you much about influence, but they will teach you a thing or two about making time for prayer and developing a few helpful prayer practices.

You can also get 30% off the print or eBook versions of Flee, Be Silent, Pray and Reconnect at the Herald Press website when you use the code APRILFOOLS at checkout.

*The subtitle list was pulled directly from the Christian Living Bestseller subtitles on Amazon.

** Hat tip to the Maintenance Phase podcast for highlighting this influencer trick.

The Contemplative Capitalist: An Integrated April First Book Release

Posted on April 1, 2018March 31, 2018 by Ed Cyzewski

Announcing my latest book on April 1st…

The Contemplative Capitalist: Spiritual Hacks for Meditation and Making Money.

It’s time to finally unearth the true riches from my years of contemplative study and practice.

You may have thought that the “true riches” of contemplative prayer are related to experiencing the peace of God, but that’s just the beginning of a path to peace and prosperity that goes far beyond anything that Jesus ever talked about, considered, imagined possible, or inspired his disciples to write about.

In fact, Jesus never said anything about the real links between contemplative prayer and financial prosperity…

The REAL SECRET of financial prosperity is found by applying contemplation’s ancient, time-tested practices to American ingenuity.

The contemplative tradition of the Christian faith is an untapped gold mine of capitalist potential that we shouldn’t be ashamed of using in order to meet our financial needs. In The Contemplative Capitalist you’ll learn how to:

End each day with a Budget Examen (TM): “When was my budget most present with me today?”
Use a sacred word to ignore your children’s pleas for budget-busting toys.
Walk out of debt labyrinths in contemplative silence.
Light a Contemplative Capitalist Candle (TM) for each credit card debt payment.
Use the power of contemplative silence to get your way in meetings and price negotiations.
Endure bull markets by passing through a dark night of the investor’s soul.
Celebrate paid off debt with a pleasant “Ommm” (Contemplatives never scream).

These are proven strategies that the desert fathers and mothers developed in part but foolishly never monetized while sweating alone in their caves weaving baskets (and think of the time they could have had for prayer if they had outsourced those baskets!). Don’t bury the wisdom of the contemplative tradition in the ground. Put it to work for you, and you will see an increase in financial prosperity for you and your family.

How to Purchase “The Contemplative Capitalist”

This book is usually priced at $24.99, but if you act now, we’re going to gut that price like oligarchs are gutting the middle class, and drop it to three easy installments of $7.99.

But that’s not all…

If you purchase this book now, share it on social media, change your profile picture to the book’s cover, take a picture of your child/pet/dinner plate with the book, email it to 20 of your closest friends, review the book (it doesn’t have to be glowing, but remember I meant well with this book AND WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME!), and make a Spotify playlist based on how the book made you feel, I’ll throw in exclusive video content of me reading contemplative classics and offering my highly refined insights that seamlessly build on the foundation laid by these masters.

The ACTUAL RETAIL PRICE of these videos is $499, but I’m giving them to you for FREE.

This offer is a limited time deal for TODAY ONLY.

Do you hear that sound? Of course you don’t, you’re not an expert contemplative like me.

You can’t hear your money practically draining out of your bank account.
You can’t fully integrate all of your investments because you aren’t spirituality integrated.
You haven’t learned how to use the power of silence to crush your competition at work.

This rock bottom price of 3 installments of $7.99 each is going to give you so much value and save you so much money, that you’ll stop talking, just like a true hermit, because you’ll be thinking of all the ways to invest and increase your money. You may even need to build bigger storehouses to hold everything you can buy. In fact, get working on those storehouses tonight.

Your life is about to change. You have no idea what you’re in for…

[Wait, was this an April Fool’s Day joke?]

Yes. I do write books about contemplative prayer, but not about making money from contemplative prayer. At least, not yet…

Each year I try to write some kind of parody of myself and the Christian subculture. I aim to be as over the top as possible. This year I thought of all of those business books I used to shelve in Borders (legit!) that praised Jesus as a great CEO/manager/stock broker/general/fax machine repairman… you get the picture. Going corporate with contemplation seemed like the ticket, even if parodying evangelical Christianity is getting harder with each passing year because many of the parodies I considered were too close to the truth.

While I hope that the jokes aren’t subtle, I also hope that this parody can help us consider the far more subtle temptations to twist Christian spirituality, and many other aspects of the faith, into tools that serve our own interests over the call to sacrificially love God and neighbors.

Announcing My Next Book: The Toddler Diet

Posted on April 1, 2015April 1, 2015 by Ed Cyzewski

Note to Readers: See disclaimer at the end of this post!

Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we will not see the Kingdom of God, and yet how many of us have failed to apply this biblical principle to our meal times?

In fact, Jesus commands us to give children exactly what they want. If a child asks us for bread, we should give the child bread—every single time.

These are direct commands from scripture. We need to stop picking and choosing which parts of the Bible we’re going to obey, and start picking and choosing—compulsively even—from our dinner plates.

My next book offers the definitive biblical dieting solution you’ve been waiting for:

The Toddler Diet:

Lose Weight and Gain Faith by Eating Like Little Children

Releasing April 1, 2016

Our culture worships at the altar of diet gurus and health “experts” with degrees from godless universities. Christians live under the bondage of bestselling “Old Covenant” dieting books. It’s time to return to the biblical blueprint for eating.

Jesus told us everything we need to know about eating properly: become like little children.

When you think about healthy eating, it should be obvious that toddlers are programmed by God to eat properly, and we only lead them astray with our fallen dieting principles as they grow up. Toddlers only eat when they’re hungry, manage their portions properly, and toss unnecessary food to the floor—scraps which come in handy for feeding people from Syro-Phoenecia who may be hanging out down there.

Toddlers are always in great shape and have excellent will power when it comes to fasting from meals. If a toddler doesn’t want to eat, that’s the end of the matter. They model will power that would make John the Baptist choke on a locust.

If only we trusted that the words of scripture—inspired, inerrant, and magically able to partially vanish when we discuss politics or poverty—we would certainly not struggle with obesity or place our physical well being in the hands of the dieting industry, which clearly has an agenda. Shouldn’t we trust Christian authors, like me, who clearly DON’T have an agenda?

If you want to be among the healthiest, happiest, and, most importantly, most faithful followers of the HOLY BIBLE, sign up for my newsletter today to pre-order The Toddler Diet, and you’ll get these added benefits:

A Toddler Diet Exercise DVD full of fun, effective, Biblical exercise activities like “running to the garden tomb,” 40 days of wandering in the wilderness, and dunking yourself (or others) in water.

A Toddler Diet Recipe Book full of fun, effective, biblical recipes such as locusts and honey, seafood on a sheet, and the fattened calf.

Toddler Diet Smocks that will protect you as you throw food on the floor but also double as a prayer covering.

A Toddler Diet Certificate that lets the world know you’re the most biblical dieter ever.

Don’t submit to the heavy yoke of Old Testament-based “Christian” dieting books. We have been set free to eat like little children. The road to life is narrow and lined with smashed bananas.

In order to prevent the sudden spike in unsubscribes that happens every April 1^st, I need to offer this disclaimer: This blog post is an April Fool’s joke. You won’t get any of those fake benefits if you sign up for my newsletter, but you will get two free eBooks that are NOT about dieting!