Note to Readers: See disclaimer at the end of this post!
Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we will not see the Kingdom of God, and yet how many of us have failed to apply this biblical principle to our meal times?
In fact, Jesus commands us to give children exactly what they want. If a child asks us for bread, we should give the child bread—every single time.
These are direct commands from scripture. We need to stop picking and choosing which parts of the Bible we’re going to obey, and start picking and choosing—compulsively even—from our dinner plates.
My next book offers the definitive biblical dieting solution you’ve been waiting for:
The Toddler Diet:
Lose Weight and Gain Faith by Eating Like Little Children
Releasing April 1, 2016
Our culture worships at the altar of diet gurus and health “experts” with degrees from godless universities. Christians live under the bondage of bestselling “Old Covenant” dieting books. It’s time to return to the biblical blueprint for eating.
Jesus told us everything we need to know about eating properly: become like little children.
When you think about healthy eating, it should be obvious that toddlers are programmed by God to eat properly, and we only lead them astray with our fallen dieting principles as they grow up. Toddlers only eat when they’re hungry, manage their portions properly, and toss unnecessary food to the floor—scraps which come in handy for feeding people from Syro-Phoenecia who may be hanging out down there.
Toddlers are always in great shape and have excellent will power when it comes to fasting from meals. If a toddler doesn’t want to eat, that’s the end of the matter. They model will power that would make John the Baptist choke on a locust.
If only we trusted that the words of scripture—inspired, inerrant, and magically able to partially vanish when we discuss politics or poverty—we would certainly not struggle with obesity or place our physical well being in the hands of the dieting industry, which clearly has an agenda. Shouldn’t we trust Christian authors, like me, who clearly DON’T have an agenda?
If you want to be among the healthiest, happiest, and, most importantly, most faithful followers of the HOLY BIBLE, sign up for my newsletter today to pre-order The Toddler Diet, and you’ll get these added benefits:
A Toddler Diet Exercise DVD full of fun, effective, Biblical exercise activities like “running to the garden tomb,” 40 days of wandering in the wilderness, and dunking yourself (or others) in water.
A Toddler Diet Recipe Book full of fun, effective, biblical recipes such as locusts and honey, seafood on a sheet, and the fattened calf.
Toddler Diet Smocks that will protect you as you throw food on the floor but also double as a prayer covering.
A Toddler Diet Certificate that lets the world know you’re the most biblical dieter ever.
Don’t submit to the heavy yoke of Old Testament-based “Christian” dieting books. We have been set free to eat like little children. The road to life is narrow and lined with smashed bananas.
In order to prevent the sudden spike in unsubscribes that happens every April 1st, I need to offer this disclaimer: This blog post is an April Fool’s joke. You won’t get any of those fake benefits if you sign up for my newsletter, but you will get two free eBooks that are NOT about dieting!
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Pray, Write, Grow: Cultivating Prayer and Writing Together.
Learn more here. (Whether or not you buy it, I offer a bunch of prayer and writing resources on that page.)
I’m running a limited time Kindle sale today.
Check out the rest of my books on Amazon or on the My Books page.
7 thoughts on “Announcing My Next Book: The Toddler Diet”
This is funny and I enjoyed it. Thought you’d be interested to know there’s an approach to dealing with eating disorders that actually includes “learning to eat like a toddler again.” Overcoming Overeating teaches (among other things) recovering those very cues that we lose as we acquire “shoulds” about eating. So although I know this is a joke, you’ve hit on something… Happy April Fool’s Day! (My comment is NOT an April Fool’s joke.)
No disclaimer here! AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Oh, Brother Ed you have freed me from the dietary laws of this gluttonous world! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! My April first resolution this year is to eat souly from the fruit from the Tree of Life just as my little toddler will dictates! Wow, what a rush! Love you!
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I choose to eat cake. LET ME EAT CAKE.
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NO CAKE FOR YOU!
You are hilarious, in every parent sense of the word, and in every All New Christian Dieting for Jesus sense of the word.
Now if only I could be hilarious in the “making buckets of money” sense, I’d be all set!
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