A month ago I set off on an 11-hour drive to speak at a Writing Retreat that my friend Andi hosts each year. The prior three weeks had been an all-out sprint to keep up with client projects while my wife was on a research trip, release a book, prepare for the retreat, and catch up on client work a little more.
This was the final stretch of a month-long sprint, and my mind and body were BUZZING.
Energy, stress, anxiety, and who knows what else left me feeling desperate, sad, and a bit unhinged. How in the world could I speak about writing without crushing your soul at this retreat in a state like this?
I needed silence: a lot of it.
I breathed deeply. I centered on a prayer word. I let go of any thought that wasn’t related to avoiding trucks and finding Dunkin Donuts coffee.
Starting north of Nashville, I sat in silence for long stretches all the way across I-40.
When I reached Knoxville, I had listened to a few short podcasts (thanks to Anne Bogel’s “What Should I Read Next”!), but the unsettled buzzing in my mind continued.
Over the rolling hills and mountains of Virginia I continued to breathe deeply for the entire stretch of I-81.
Finally, turning toward Charlottesville, I sensed something settle.
Since I was arriving about an hour later than I had intended, I passed up a scenic overlook along the highway. I immediately regretted this. The mountains were spectacular at this pass. Why was I so determined to pass up beauty for the sake of a clock?
I just about jumped out of my seat when another scenic overlook showed up five miles later. I pulled into the lonely rest area and just about fell over with the silent majesty of these mountains.
The words of Jacob came to mind: “When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, ‘Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.’ He was afraid and said, ‘How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.’”
This thin moment before the mountains was its own gate of heaven, delighting in creation. Nothing particularly spectacular or spiritual happened. I had found my center, a place of rest in God that wasn’t at the mercy of my circumstances so that I could enjoy what was before me.
How many times in the past have I been running on empty or burned out, but I’ve pushed on, believing that I just needed to get through it?
How many times have I passed up beauty, rest, and restoration because I didn’t understand the value of silence or finding my center?
How often have I missed the silent beauty of God because I didn’t know how much work it is to be still and know that he is God?
Contemplative prayer has taught me about the paradox of resting in God. I don’t naturally choose rest, and I honestly need to work at resting. I have to fight for my rest by choosing silence when everything in my body craved distraction and noise. Resting in God takes practice and intention.
Ed Cyzewski: Author // Contemplative 