Over the past eight months, and really the past two years, I’ve been through a difficult situation with several Christians that has pushed me to my limits. The wrongs have been subtle at times, but the accumulated impact has hurt me and plenty of others.
At this point, I won’t share the details of my experience at this time, but I need to mention it because it shut down any plans I had for writing in 2023. When an author, who is also a long-time blogger, feels unable to write, that’s worth explaining.
I’ve invested a lot of time into developing a daily contemplative prayer practice, as well as other spiritual practices like the Examen or centering prayer. While going through the worst of this situation, it has been my daily prayer practice that has, in part, sustained me.
When a situation is so difficult that it’s hard to find words, it’s extremely comforting to have a daily practice that doesn’t rely on words. The Examen offers an opportunity to draw my attention elsewhere, while centering prayer is a silent practice of openness to God.
These practices offer stability when everything else starts crumbling down as fellow Christians dramatically let us down. I know I’m not alone here.
I’ve read about plenty of deconversions and deconstruction over scandals involving negligent clergy, congregations, denominations, seminaries, charities, and who knows what other groups of Christians. Such experiences can bring a crisis of faith to those harmed by them.
At this point in my life, I’m no longer surprised by Christians behaving badly. Although, it’s deeply distressing to see the pain and wounds caused by these situations, I can hardly blame people for tapping out.
If they’ve been wounded by such experiences, then avoiding Christianity may feel like the safest thing they can do!
The beauty of contemplative practice for me has been the emphasis on the practice itself, the quiet seeking of God in solitude. Yes, some may teach practices and offer guidance in the particulars, but everything is ideally taught with humility and open hands, welcoming diverse experiences and outcomes.
There isn’t too much room, at least that I’ve seen, to insert a personal agenda into a practice that encourages quiet, personal intimacy with God.
Silent contemplative prayer is hardly the reaction we’d expect from folks preaching about the end times or imagined government persecution of Christians in America.
When I see Christians acting contrary to what we believe and practice to the detriment of others, I can return to the centering thought of God’s love for all. I can’t control how others act. I can’t even stop myself from feeling crushing disappointment at times. Yet, I can choose to be still and physically silent even when my racing mind is giving my prayer word or the Jesus Prayer a run for their money.
So much of what I would have considered “Christianity” is quite fragile. Some of the things we come to rely on and associate with our faith can be disrupted by someone’s or a group’s poor choices.
There is a good chance that our institutions, leaders, and congregations will let us down in some way.
The simplicity of Christian prayer, especially silent prayer before a loving God, offers stability that no one can take away from us. There surely are plenty of things to think over, even to deconstruct, but when all depends on the loving presence of God in the midst of silence, our weary minds can find rest even when the foundations appear to be crumbling beneath us, and we run out of words to say.
Ed Cyzewski: Author // Contemplative 
In a season of life where things were disorienting, praying with no words was such a lifeline for me. I hope that remains to be the case for you too.
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Ed, it is good to hear from you, again.It has been a long time.And much
longer since I have responded to you.
I have remained on your list because you are a very comfortable writer
to read and, mostly, because you come through as sincerely honest with
yourself.I have always needed the most support to grow from others who
are introspectively seeking truth, most especially outside of their
familial/tribal childhood conditioning.Thank you for being one of them
sharing love while valuing me as you would have me value you!
Maybe, I can return the favor here even though I am certainly not the
accomplished writer that you are.I am an occupationally retired,
educated, and adequately (by past results) experienced, 79-year-old
triple threat troubleshooter to fixer in three sciences: physical,
social, and spiritual.There is not time here to establish my credentials
for you to trust my word, which segues into a direct foundational truth
I now live by; there are not enough words, nor libraries of words, nor
databases of apologetic concepts through words on earth, that can
contain the fullness of infinity and eternity, including the image
conveyed by the word “God”.
As both of us have taken seriously our conditioning that was sincerely
and lovingly administered by the nation of Christianity, I will use
simple word truths found within the Christian canon, that I was shown
separate from Christianity, that set me free from my life being
dependent upon words, or any Word.I am now securely and faithfully
trusting in the images developing in my heart, in my soul, and in my
mind that are well beyond explanation.Words are insufficient to see, to
know, and to finally accept the Spirit of truth, God guiding WITH and IN
beings of Man, without pause or end.“God”, “Jesus”, “Christ”, “Buddha”,
and all sacred religious words have no value if they do not convey a
trusted foundational image built on rock that can withstand the
adventures of life without end…
As the accomplished wordsmith that you are, I want to take a moment to
repeat that I am supported to this day by your efforts, as I am, or even
better than, by the 2,000-year-old massaged fragments of Christ’s words
gleaned from the Christian Bible, none of which he sponsored as he did
the guide into all truth and then the making of new disciples led by the
Messiah and born of and under the nurture of the Father.
With the advent freedom of speech computers, search engines, and a
World Wide Web to knock, seek, and ask from, all in my lifetime, I have
been graced with the road signs, not possible for those before the
period of my life, of words pointing toward the rock that Jesus’ (child
of the Spirit born in the flesh) assembles (church) his siblings
(children of flesh born in the Spirit) in the kingdom of heaven found
within (in the midst of) each and all now, each beginning in heaven
while remaining on earth.
The fragments I speak of relative to the Bible I will share as they
are now known in my heart and mind, without book, chapter, and verse
reference, and in no order:
·I know today that I do truly love the LORD my God (I in God and God in
me) with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and like
that, I love my neighbor (spirit and flesh alike) AS myself (remaining
with and on earth while solely in allegiance to my newborn world in me
and I in it, the infinite and eternal kingdom of heaven).
·In everything, as a loved and responsible infant maturing under the
nurture of God, I do to all others (friend and foe – flesh and spirit)
AS I can now bear to know that I would have others do to me.
·I, from experience beginning 29 years ago, know that I first saw the
reality of spirit influence at 17, that I got to know the Holy Spirit by
invitation over 33 years, and that I was finally born in (accepted to be
baptized, filled, completely whelmed fulltime, and no longer by
invitation subject to my convenience) the Spirit only after my
foundation of faith (trust) in Christianity crumbled.
·I no longer serve God by carrying the burden of “sin” as, now, free
from sin, God serves me by sharing an over abundance of love for me, all
my fellow humans, and all my fellows of God.My cross, that I carry as a
disciple of Christ on earth, is lightened because Jesus, the Messiah,
shares the load with and in me based on his experience in the flesh.
·Jesus promised that if he left that the Spirit of truth would come to
guide those receptive into all truth forever.He had, also, said that
those who followed his lead were not to be called teachers (Rabbis)
among themselves, or leaders, or fathers, and at the same time concluded
that the greatest among us would be our servant.
·As Jesus left his disciples, now under the guide of the Spirit of truth
and not the Bible, he said for them to make followers of his leadership
from all nations, including those in allegiance to the Christian nation
that emerged to serve a hierarchy not unlike the Pharisees, Sadducee,
and scribes (the Seat of Moses) almost 300 years later, with each to be
baptized (born in the Spirit) with and in the name (authority) of the
Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, AS is true for each sibling
disciple of the Messiah on earth today.
Ed, there are just not enough words to convey the image developing
within me today thanks to the promised Advocate.Those that are share
expressly with you today are filled with innuendo necessary to find the
truth only if you have had a Christian Bible upbringing.I cannot
emphasize enough the value of two excerpts from that Bible, Luke
14:25-33 and John 3:1-14, that require the invited council of the Holy
Spirit to see the truth.
A word of warning: prior to my birth in the Spirit, I was invited to
many a Christian pulpit to share the Word and I felt truly honored to do
so.Now, I fear, without the express guidance of the Spirit, that in my
free but childish exuberance I might ignorantly lead one away from the
path that had led me to God who I know to personally trust to test
today.For that reason, I spend most of my declining flesh sharing as I
am with you today, as I am surely led.I can only testify, for you to
freely accept or reject, that God, by any name, is real and their
invitation to become one with them is valid.There is no punishment
should you reject the invite though the consequences, and scars derived,
from remaining in allegiance to the traditions and tribal laws of Man
are forever.To live, adventure, and eventually learn all truth forever
in love of others requires allegiance to the same natural law that God
has learned to survive by.By the fruit you have shared with me in the
past I believe you understand the benefits of, in everything, doing to
others measured as you would have others do to you.
Personally, if I cannot be responsible enough to the results of this
life (my opportunity, that I did not know to choose, to be aware and
influential to others) then when my flesh can no longer, which will be
all too soon, sustain me I will simply become no longer aware, no longer
have influence effecting others, and will eventually be forgotten.I
would want it that way, especially realizing that I know too little
about what’s ahead to be the judge of my actions.Otherwise, if I can be
responsible for all the truth I can bear, as I mature, there is a
promise that potentially I can be an equally valued and productive
member of a body of spirit, God, learning through shared adventures
within the bounds of an infinite plain and an eternal clock, one step,
as I can bear, at a time.
See, this is what you get for seeking, knocking, and asking from your
siblings of Man who love you as themselves!!!
By the fruit of your influence, I am reasonably certain that you see
the Holy Spirit in your midst and have invited him/her to council with
you.By the strength of your apparent anguish, you have yet to enter the
small gate led by the one guide on the narrow path.Should my empathy be
true, I had a similar torment 29 years ago.Every foundation I had built
my life upon crumbled. I truly hated all I loved who had let me down by
their adherence to inherited traditions, which the one leading the
misguided way was me.I had nothing left to even stand on. I literally
collapsed prostrate on my bedroom floor and made one last invitation,
pleading to the Father, the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, to enter with
and in me and remain without end, without pause.They did.The last 29
years have been more hell than the first 50 but the difference has been
that it all has been bearable, my yoke is shared in always ways, and I
have grown stronger because of it, as my flesh is collapsing at an
ever-faster rate.
As a side note, of hope, at the lowest point I had separated from and
was forced to divorce my wife of 20 years, the mother of our
children.Within a year of fulltime nurture with God, I met and married
my now wife and companion of 29 years, Dorothy.I simply did not know, at
the time, that Δωροθέα, was Greek for God’s gift.
Thank you for all you have given me over the years!
Love you and wish all the best for you forever,
Herm
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